Something Personal!

I’m writing this post while lying on my back and holding my laptop upside down, so excuse me for all the typing mistakes I might be making.

July has been a tough and sad month in my family. Tomorrow is the last day of this month and I can’t explain how happy I’ll be to say goodbye July and welcome August.

At the beginning of July, I hurt my back badly while moving a sofa on my balcony. I can’t tell you how many times I have moved this sofa, but for some mysterious reason on that day ,moving it gave me a terrible pain in my back! I didn’t give it much thought, took a five minutes rest and then carried on my usual house chores. Two days later I was unable to move, every muscle in my body was hurting. My husband rushed me to the nearest hospital where the doctor asked for an x-ray of my back. He later told me that I’m suffering from disc!! He wrote a prescription and asked me to rest, and not lift more than 5 kilos.

A week later after taking the medication and resting, the pain only grew worst! I wasn’t able to walk, and my husband had to carry me around! We went to see a new doctor, who decided I had to take B 12 injections because my nerves were all swallow. He ordered me to complete rest for 8 days, and warned me that this was serious.

I was unable to carry my baby girl or take care of her, she would be crying in her bed and I would be crying in mine at the same time! My sister came to help, she was taking care of my baby and my husband of cooking. The house was a total mess, and I wasn’t able to hire anyone to clean up. why? Because suddenly, no one in Lebanon wants to work as a house keeper!

Two days after I started my injections, my husband came home early from work! His right hand all wrapped! He had an accident at work, an electrical appliance exploded while he was using it. And caused him a second degree burn! “Thank God you’re still alive !” that’s what the doctor said when he saw him!

Two weeks later, my husband’s hand is 70% better, thank god! And the doctor said within two months it will heal completely. As for me, the injections didn’t work and I’ve entered into a new cycle of therapy. This is my last chance of getting better, the doctor says! For one week I should lay on my back, and move only if I had to go to the restroom. Or else I will not be able to move without a wheelchair ,surgical operations are not very much advised , especially for someone young like me ,but we’ll see what happens.

My little girl crawls over to where I’m laying, she stands up with some help from my left hand. She puts her little head on my shoulder and closes her eyes. She makes me cry, I grab some chocolate chips from a bag beside me and feed her one by one. She claps her little hands and says “za2if” , which means clap in Lebanese, I taught her that before I got sick.

I wonder whether I’ll be able to hold her again, whether I’ll be able to take care of her again. I wonder whether I’ll be able to live a normal life again. I look at my husband, as he takes care of our little girl with his hand still wrapped and I’m thinking they both deserve better. But still, I thank god for everything, even the pain because it made me realize how lucky I was to be able to do the simplest thing like walking, and carrying my little one.

And I pray, that August will come with all the goodness in the world to my family, me and all those who need it, I pray for a healing for my pain and sickness and that one day I look back to this phase of my life and smile at the memory, and thank god for healing me.

 

A Letter To a casino dealer with a poker face!

All I wanted was your hug,

All I needed was some care,

All I longed for was your laugh,

But now I realize you never even care…

This love was just a bluff

to a casino dealer with a poker face

a fairy tale in a little girls dream

And nothing I do , will be ever enough..

But tonight when the trees weep

I’ll be there to wipe its tears

And tonight the stars  shall see,

that I’m over all those fears

And my soul is free,

And my soul shall soar into the new day

And the world shall see,

how my heart dances and sway,

And I’m sure you’ll be

sorry for not being there.

And soon my dear,

your nights will turn into days

and deep down you have that fear

that you’ll never be forgiven

you should’ve known better, than to take for granted

all the great love that you have been given…

As for me, I already see

Crystal clear, the way I should’ve been living

And the wind will carry my breath

to where the sun never sets,

to where the shores are warm,

a place away from you

a place with no regrets…

A Letter to My Baby Girl!

Dear Anna,

This is the first letter I write to you after your birth, and I’m very excited to tell you all the news that’s been happening in our lives lately. First let me start by telling you how much I’ve grown in love with you in these past eight months! From the moment I kissed your little hand in the hospital until this moment as you sit on the carpet playing with your toys and biting anything you could get your hands on! And I promise to keep loving you until the day I close my eyes and fall into my eternal sleep.

Baby girl, day by day, you’re teaching me how to be a mother, and a better human being. You’re eight months and two weeks old already, and every second of these eight months was an adventure. But there are certain moments that keep spinning through my mind every time I talk about you, I call these moments the peek memories. The first time I laid eyes on you when the doctor held you up after your delivery, and you were so blue and crying out so loud that your voice filled the operation room! That moment I was praying and crying and laughing at the same time!!! I was lost in that moment and all I wanted was to cuddle you and kiss you!

My second peek memory, was when we had a visit from some relatives who you’ve not seen before! When one of them tried to hold you up, you started crying and looked at me scared, and you tried to jump from the Lady‘s arms to mine!! I took you into my arms and for the first time I felt like a real mother, you were asking me to protect you  and I was there for you, and forever I ‘ll be there for you.

My third peek moment was the day you rolled over!! I was getting worried that you’re late to roll over and already seven months old! And one morning out of no where you rolled over! Me and your dad we were so excited, we were gazing at you not believing what just happened! And now you can’t stop rolling over and scooting yourself all over the house! I even caught you trying to pull over some of my decorative items! You’re so cute!

Here comes my Fourth and by so far my best peek moment! Your first tooth!!!! I’m super excited to tell you about this Anna, so last week you were biting on your plastic toy and suddenly you started screaming! Me and your dad rushed to pick you up, I thought you must have hurt your gum so I grabbed the teething gel and started rubbing your little swallow gum! I told your father : The poor thing must have heart herself hard, I can feel the cut beneath my finger! Thank God your father is the smart one in this family, LOL! He opened your mouth and saw your little tooth peeking out!

My poor baby, you have been really fuzzy through these few days. As another tooth peaked just right next to the other. And we haven’t been getting enough sleep. But I know it’s just a phase, another growth spurt that we’re experimenting together, and soon all the pain will go away and you’ll feel a lot better about those weird white things that appeared in your mouth all of a sudden!

OOOps  I forget to tell you about the day you first said Mama!!! But I wrote you a whole poem about that moment!

Anna, Me and your dad, we love you so much. Everything we do, every decision we take , we now do it with your best interest in mind. You’re the joy of our lives and the blessing in our house. And everyday we pray for God to give you a long healthy and happy life, and to give us the power to be there for you every step of the way and the good health to support you and watch you grow!

Until my second letter, stay as cute as you are, love you!

Mama

A random thought…

Everyday your ship drifts further,

away from my shores and into the wide open sea

I’m afraid, that one day you’ll decide to come back home,

but you won’t find me there…

Dear Diary, I love him to be…

Dear Diary,

Every day, I write him over your pages

and later,  I erase him!

I remember the day I was born from his breath,

the day our souls united

then, I write him  again …

And I love him even though he doesn’t have a clear identity in my life

even though there’s no map to his existence

nor a Specific description of how he spreads his soul over the zones of my being

I love him! but,Words are no longer able to deliver  meanings..

I love him without the illusions of fairy tales,

Without logic

even Without madness !!

I love him, just so we can be

I love him just so we can be

To be

And I remember the day I sipped him with my wine into my blood

and became addicted to his scent.

Dear diary,

blame not, my foolish fever of love,

since I know he loves me.

even though I’m a woman of contradictions,

a hundred person dressed as one

he loves me still

Without insanity, without delirium

he Loves me just so we can be

And I love him to be …

Oh diary, my trust worthy friend…

hear my secret and pass it to none

The day I met him,

I disobeyed  all the traditions of my tribe

And neglected all the advises of the elderly

I erased every word written in my past

and I spread out my hand to his,

turned my back and walked away from my village..

Now I’m confused diary,

a woman rejected by her past,

scared of her future,

a woman with nothing in her pockets, but a moment in present

Shall I fight for a love that might never be,

Shall I go back to what once was,

or shall I continue living in a dream

and just love him, so we can be…

Passion

O people of this village

Do not think that I came here

to sell the remains of love

sticking to the tail of my dress …

open not your mouth, in shock

Hide not the eyes of your children

If their eyes explored the details of my aching body.

the brown wheat in your fields

is addicted to my perfume

and the flames of your burning summer

awakens the lust for life

that sleeps in my veins

I’m the widow of injustice

walking your streets,

Wearing the thirst of years

and years of sadness

I come in peace

to revive in you

What once lived in you

What now dies in you

The “Passion for life.”

We are not them!

Don’t be afraid my love

Our story is different from theirs

The rain will tell you

that you are my passion

and then, the wind knows it too

Winter realizes how I love you

since the cold, makes me long for your warmth so,

And I know, love

how you stay up in your nights

the moon is my spy, you see

and he told yesterday

how in love you are with me

Don’t be afraid my love

Our story is different from theirs

We live because we love

because we are born in love

And I,

I could feel, your heart pulses

sneaking into my blood

and you,

you could feel me in your heart

setting fire, controlling the beats

you are mine , and I am yours

and tomorrow,

spring will blossom in our dreams

and the sun,

will send its warmth to ignite every hope

and life will always smile…

But in difficulties,

I promise,

In the middle of the rain

I will be there for you

to care and ease your pain

and we will grow stronger

because our love is true

so don’t worry about others, we are not them!

forget you fear, and allow me sir

to keep falling in love with you.

Cigarette Dreams!

She stares at her reflection in the mirror as she combs her hair, as if she’s staring at a total stranger! She doesn’t know who’s that woman any more! That’s not her, those sad eyes aren’t her’s? That yellow skin and the ruins of a delightful smile, who do they belong to?
She has learned to fake her smiles lately, she has learned to play the role of the happy woman. Everyone around her envy her, they think because she doesn’t talk about her problems , that she has none! She starts brushing her teeth, with her sight focused on the sink. She’s ashamed to look into the mirror again, she doesn’t know how to explain herself to herself! That sad reflection is demanding an explanation, is hunting her to know why she’s doing the awful crime of suffering in silence! Oh but what does that reflection knows about life any way? She rinse her mouth with some water, grabs a towel and pat her wet lips avoiding any contact with the mirror! “I’m starting to hate mirrors” she thought, remembering how she used to spend hours in front of her mirror trying on different suits and different styles of make up. How pretty she used to feel, those times seem to be from the ancient past to her now. She feels so old, although she’s still in her early twenties.
She loved him, he loved her. They went on that crazy adventure and stood hand in hand against the whole world. He promised her that she’s going to be his queen for the rest of their lives together, she promised to love and cherish him until death do them apart. Now they’re together, the world that once was against them is now by their side. The people who tried to talk them out of their craziness in the past, are now jealous of how happy they seem to be. He treats her well, so well in fact that its to good to be true !
She hangs the towel back in its place, and leaves the bathroom. It’s time for doing the same boring house chores! As she vacuum clean the living room, she remembers the day they bought those sofa’s. They were still on the run, preparing secretly to get married. They rented an apartment in the country side away from anyone who might know them! They convinced the owner that they were newly weds! They had to furnish the place, she stayed and cleaned while he went out to get some cash from the bank. They were so excited to have their own place! When she saw the sofas she immediately fell in love with them, all she could thin of was all the wonderful love moments that they’ll be sharing on those sofas as they watch TV, or just chill in the evening by the fire-place! She draws a sad smile on her face, oh how cold and lonely these sofas seem to be now!
Into the bedroom she went. She opened the dark curtains, allowing a weak beam of sun ray to enter. She started picking up his pyjamas and socks from the ground. He has that annoying habit of throwing everything on the ground! He doesn’t bother to walk a few steps to put his clothes in the washing basket. She has told him many times that she felt insulted by that behavior, as if she was a maid and her job is to pick up after him. He promised her to change that habit, but promises with him remain promises. she makes that large bed, and spreads new sheets. She remembered that he picked that bedroom! He said he loved it because it had a large bed, on which they can roll freely every night! “We gonna need the largest bed you have”He said to the sales man as he looked at her and winked, her cheeks blushed! “Newly weds ha!”the sales man said smiling at the young couple as he walked them into a large gallery of bedrooms. “You have to know that you’ll be spending most of your time in that bed my lady”He whispered in her ears, and she blushed again! She takes a long look at that bed,oh how did that safe refugee turn into a silent death trap!
She tries to figure out what happened, why did their lives change! Where did all the love go! She still loves him, she knows he loves her, so what happened! Why does she feel so lonely and trapped.
The living room is filled with the echos of what used to be their laughter, and the dust of sweeter times. Their bed has turned into two camps, of back apposite to back. That’s how the go to sleep every night! He says “I love you, good night baby” kisses her on the cheek, turns his back and falls right to sleep! She turns her back too, and falls right into tears!
“He’s been having some problems at work, he needs some personal space to calm down” She told her best friend when she was visiting her a few days ago. “Stop giving him excuses!”Her friend replied! ” (IF) he has problems at work, he must grow closer to you, because when we love someone we only feel safe and rested with him, we forget our problems and troubles in his hug and the comfort of his kiss not the other way around!” she knows her friend is right, but she couldn’t tell her that. “Oh what a lovely vase, is it new”She said changing the subject.
Today its their first anniversary together, something inside of her tells her he forget. Or maybe he’s not into celebrating the occasion.Didn’t he do the same on her birthday! and on his own! Although she insisted on lighting a candle on a home-made cake and wishing him many years to come.
In the evening he came home, kissed her on the cheeks as usual. After he had his shower, they ate dinner quietly as they watched a movie. They had coffee after dinner, and as usual he opened his PC and started playing online games. She calmed herself down “I’m going to have a shower, don’t go to sleep, wait up for me” She said as she held his hand and looked into his eyes. “Ok”He said, looking back at his PC. She finished her shower, and again she was staring at her reflection. This  time she dared to look “Tonight will be different, I’m going to get my husband back. It’s our anniversary, and I must remind him of all our great memories, and all the love we share!”As if she was challenging that sad young woman, She drew a smile on her face, and left the bathroom.
On that large bed, lay her only love, her partner in life, her husband. There he lay, with his back turned and his snoring killing the silence of the night! She couldn’t believe her eyes! She wept rushing back into the bathroom. She searched for her long left pack of cigarettes, she smoked and smoked and smoked until she wasn’t able to see her hands anymore, the smoke formed a large cloud of fog in that tiny restroom.”I was stupid enough to dream, to believe in the “happily ever after” nonsense! Rise smoke, rise and vanish just like my dreams” She puffed the smoke into the clouded area, and tuned off her last cigarette of the pack. “Cigarette dreams, that’s what my love story is. I love it, I can’t quit. But in the end I have gained nothing but smoky fog and a heartache that might one day kill me.
At midnight she woke him up! Annoyed from being awaken, he asked her what she wanted. “Happy anniversary honey” She said sarcastically. He, barely awake, hugged her and murmured  “I Love you, hopefully we’ll celebrate it for many years to come” and he fell back to sleep. She thought, as she pulled herself away from his hands, “Do I really want many more of such celebrations?

When An Angel Cries

A few days ago I decided to participate in Picture Worth Your Words Contest which was started by our fellow blogger Aisha: http://ashscrapyard.wordpress.com/2012/01/06/picture-worth-your-words-contest/ and as the contest requires I have chosen the picture which inspired me to write down the below short story. I hope you’ll enjoy reading my post as much as I enjoyed writing it as a part of the challenge!

She has been an angel for quite sometime now. But on that rainy winter morning she was particularly excited! She had been assigned as a guardian angel the night before. Her first real job since she passed away three years ago in a terrible car accident. Ever since she became a spirit! She was going to visit earth again, and this time for a noble mission!  Her real surprise was when the name of the person she will be guarding was announced! “Georges Smith”her husband in life for five years!  She hasn’t learned anything about Georges since she died, but she knows that he has suffered a lot, he has loved her more than anything in the world! From now on she will be with him all the time,  she promised to watch over his dreams, and protect his spirit as much as she can! Oh how she misses looking into his lovely green eyes!

She revised the information given to her, his current residence: New York City , Current status: widowed , Current job: recently unemployed, was dismissed from his work as a graphic designer for a major company due to the world-wide economical crises! Last Guardian angle: retired several weeks ago!

“Oh, my poor Georges, you’ve been unlucky lately ” She thought! “Funny! I used to think that female guardian angels guard females only!” She released a sigh lifting up her shoulders  “Oh well, I’ve  missed you more than you know, I’m just so happy I get to see you again!”

She spread  her wings, and left her heavenly residence! Holding her compass as she approached earth, she managed to locate Georges. But soon her excitement turned into frustration, as she caught a glimpse of him standing on the edge of a high bridge, above the sea. There he stood under the rain, with arms wide-spread and  eyes full of pain, he was trying to jump! “Oh no! He’s trying to kill himself!” She rushed to where he stood, “I have to stop him!” She thought “No one told me how to deal with this!”

“Forgive me Lord!” Georges said looking up towards the cloudy sky above “This life has been too much for my weak soul to bear, I’m in so much pain. Whenever I find a reason to laugh, destiny throws upon me a hundred reason to cry! I miss her so much, my life has been so vague since she left! I tried to get over the pain, I swear I did. I feel so lonely, as if I don’t belong to this earth. Accept my soul Lord, join me with her once again!”

“No Georges, don’t do this!” She screamed as high as she could, but she knew he couldn’t hear her “I feel I’m dying again!!”.  She was heart-broken, because she wasn’t able to grab his hand and pull him back. She wasn’t able to hug him and tell him that soon the sky will clear out, soon spring will be here and soon hope will blossom again in his heart , he only needs to believe! For that one second, she wished she could be human again! To do all these things and save him.

A tear escaped from her eyes, and rolled down her cheek “I thought angels can’t cry!” She held the tear on the tip of her finger, and looked sadly at the man she so honestly loved, he pushed down his weight making his last jump! A strong wind blew, in so much anger and the little tear became a wave, splashing in his face and throwing him back into the bridge! There she stood, she couldn’t believe her eyes! A miracle just happened, God has saved his life! She remembered what her late grandmother used to say “When an angel cries, a miracle happens!

There he was, lying down in the middle of the road, soaking wet as the wind blew harder and louder. “Georges” a worried voice down the road was calling, it was his mom, who has read his suicide note!

The innocent angel clapped her wings and drew a smile on her lips, as she watched his mother hug him and hammer him with kisses. The old woman and her son shed tears and hugged . The angel knew it was a part of what is going to be a long healing process. “Thank you God!!” she said looking up and smiling, “I better keep a close eye on him, he’s going to be a lot of trouble, but I sure don’t mind”!

A glimpse of life without you!

I opened my eyes and you weren’t there!

your part of the bed was empty,

Not a glimpse of your black hair

under that cozy blanky!

I missed the touch of your feet,

as they try to warm mine,

no noise was heard down street

And even the sun didn’t shine!

I felt as If time has stopped arround me

I searched for you,  your clothes were gone

What’s going on, how could this be!

“What is done cannot be undone!

A voice in my head declared!

My heart beating in fear, I Dialed your number

Biting my nails off, counting the seconds

“This number is not yet in service!” came the answer!

As if someone erased you from my life!

I was going mad, My breath became heavy

about to fall down to my knees,

your gentle touch shook me

Your tender voice ever so clear

woke me:

“Baby, you’re having a nightmare!

As If I haven’t seen you in so long,

I rushed eagerly to hug you,

you hugged back, but I held you strong

So close to my heart

A glimpse of how dark and lonely,

my life if you hadn’t been in it!

I don’t care if I have to stay awake

till the end of times,

I’m not having another dream without you!