For better and for worse: Thank you!

It’s a journey that starts with a slap on the back, and you never know when it ends!It’s life! You’ll never get to know the famous ” Ups and Downs” until you experience it! You’ll never learn the lessons until the events are history and you’re looking back.

Live it, love it and embrace it. For  better and the worse, for richer and hpoorer, you ought to thank God!

Would you know the value of happiness, if you haven’t experienced sadness? Would you know the value of water, if you haven’t experienced thirst?  And I ask you, as I have asked myself, would you know how many blessings are shed on your life, if they weren’t taken from you, even for a short while?

We nag a lot, don’t we? we blame destiny for every wrong thing  we experience. We curse, we shout, we rebel for the tiniest and silliest reasons. How many times have you said: “It’s not fair!” or ” I don’t deserve this!” Or even worst ” Why me God? Why me!”

If you come to think about it, Are you the judge of what’s fair and what’s not? Who can be more fair than God? Can you? I have asked the question ” Why me God?” So many times, until I reached the answer ” Why not me?” The mighty God, who has given me so many blessings through my life, who has saved me from my own self and others, doesn’t he deserve my thanks and gratefulness when he puts me into trial? If I thank him and accept his judgment when I’m happy and healthy, doesn’t he deserve my thank you and acceptance when I’m sick and down? Is he my God only at my best, and during my worst I blame him?

For two months I was almost crippled, unable to walk, and perform the simplest everyday functions the way I used to. And guess what : that experience was the most in lighting and educative experience I’ve ever had! And I was sure to thank God for it, especially through my sickness. And that’s how I prayed through it.

” My God, I know that you are fair, and your judgments are just. If I’m sick because of all the sins that I’ve made through my life, then I thank you for the suffering I’m going through now instead of experimenting it after you take my soul. I pray that you would be erasing my sins through this suffering. If I’m sick, but not because of my sins, then I thank you for the purpose you intended for me, even if it’s hidden from me now, but I’m sure I will learn it later in life.  I pray that you lift this heavy burden off of me, if that’s your wish. Whatever you wish for me God, I accept it thankfully!”

Do this with me, think about your regular day, the one you might describe as boring. I guess you would say: I wake up, get out of bed, walk into the bathroom. I might change my clothes, or stay in my pijis. I have a cup of coffee….” In those three simple sentences, do you know how many actions you have done, and you have the Lord to thank for?  You might have never considered this before, I never did as well, until …

How would you feel, that on that same boring day, you woke up, but you couldn’t get out of bed? Your whole body was in terrible pain? unable to move your legs and having a serious wish to go to the WC. but the only way to do so is to ask for somebody’s help?! you can’t sit up straight to drink, and have to eat your meals lying on your back? you can’t walk, carry things or even dress yourself?!!! how hard is that? how tough?! Well now you know what a blessing it is to be able to do the simplest things, like walking, dressing, eating while you’re sitting up. and going to pee by yourself! You see how many things you’re blessed with? how thankful you should be? Before my experience I used to look to people on wheel chairs with pity, not in a bad form, but I used to be sorry for them. Now I see them through different lense: I respect them, for their courage, their strong will and their acceptance for God’s judgment. And for trying to make the best out of their condition.

Now I know, when I see crippled people in worship houses, that they’re there to pray for their own miracle, to ask for forgiveness and mercy and patience. They’re not there to put the blames on destiny, nor to rebel!

There are a few lines from an Arabic poetry that I came to admire so much, here’s my translation of these lines into English: You, who whines and weeps even though you are healthy , I wonder what would you do if you got sick? An evil person on this earth is the one   who wishes himself death every single day!

Indeed….

If you plant grapes, you shall not harvest  thorns!

Thank you to all those who prayed for me… your prayers gave me strength, and were definitely heard…

Thank you God for healing me…

Something Personal!

I’m writing this post while lying on my back and holding my laptop upside down, so excuse me for all the typing mistakes I might be making.

July has been a tough and sad month in my family. Tomorrow is the last day of this month and I can’t explain how happy I’ll be to say goodbye July and welcome August.

At the beginning of July, I hurt my back badly while moving a sofa on my balcony. I can’t tell you how many times I have moved this sofa, but for some mysterious reason on that day ,moving it gave me a terrible pain in my back! I didn’t give it much thought, took a five minutes rest and then carried on my usual house chores. Two days later I was unable to move, every muscle in my body was hurting. My husband rushed me to the nearest hospital where the doctor asked for an x-ray of my back. He later told me that I’m suffering from disc!! He wrote a prescription and asked me to rest, and not lift more than 5 kilos.

A week later after taking the medication and resting, the pain only grew worst! I wasn’t able to walk, and my husband had to carry me around! We went to see a new doctor, who decided I had to take B 12 injections because my nerves were all swallow. He ordered me to complete rest for 8 days, and warned me that this was serious.

I was unable to carry my baby girl or take care of her, she would be crying in her bed and I would be crying in mine at the same time! My sister came to help, she was taking care of my baby and my husband of cooking. The house was a total mess, and I wasn’t able to hire anyone to clean up. why? Because suddenly, no one in Lebanon wants to work as a house keeper!

Two days after I started my injections, my husband came home early from work! His right hand all wrapped! He had an accident at work, an electrical appliance exploded while he was using it. And caused him a second degree burn! “Thank God you’re still alive !” that’s what the doctor said when he saw him!

Two weeks later, my husband’s hand is 70% better, thank god! And the doctor said within two months it will heal completely. As for me, the injections didn’t work and I’ve entered into a new cycle of therapy. This is my last chance of getting better, the doctor says! For one week I should lay on my back, and move only if I had to go to the restroom. Or else I will not be able to move without a wheelchair ,surgical operations are not very much advised , especially for someone young like me ,but we’ll see what happens.

My little girl crawls over to where I’m laying, she stands up with some help from my left hand. She puts her little head on my shoulder and closes her eyes. She makes me cry, I grab some chocolate chips from a bag beside me and feed her one by one. She claps her little hands and says “za2if” , which means clap in Lebanese, I taught her that before I got sick.

I wonder whether I’ll be able to hold her again, whether I’ll be able to take care of her again. I wonder whether I’ll be able to live a normal life again. I look at my husband, as he takes care of our little girl with his hand still wrapped and I’m thinking they both deserve better. But still, I thank god for everything, even the pain because it made me realize how lucky I was to be able to do the simplest thing like walking, and carrying my little one.

And I pray, that August will come with all the goodness in the world to my family, me and all those who need it, I pray for a healing for my pain and sickness and that one day I look back to this phase of my life and smile at the memory, and thank god for healing me.

 

An Amazing Father!

 

To all the Father’s out there, Happy Father’s day!
To all the hard working, loving, caring and providing men in our lives, thank you!
To all the women striving to fill their absent men shoes, happy father’s day! You deserve it to!
But my words today are dedicated to a wonderful man, a father I’ve witnessed coming to life.
To a wonderful Father,
To you my husband,

Baby,
Let me tell about your daddy,
Listen carefully as I brush your hair…
He’s the most amazing man I’ve ever met
For the bitter and the sweet, he has always been there!
The moment you were conceived my girl
You were made from a mixture of love and care
Every step of the way your daddy loved us
He waited for your arrival impatiently, I swear
And finally you were here, after your difficult flight
He held your tiny body and kissed your little hands
With all the tenderness he could share
He was there for your first diaper change
For your first milk bottle and for your first bath
For your first smile, giggle, and when you sat on that little chair
Your father my child
Is the most amazing Man,
When you grow up,
And they ask you for your full name
Be proud to wear these letters
The few letters of his name
Be proud to say that you’ve been brought up
By a father who truly cares.
And because I love you
I honestly pray
That one day, you’ll meet a man who has your father’s traits
Only then I’ll be sure you’re going to be happy
With a love that lasts forever something much more than the usual human affair.

A Letter to My Baby Girl!

Dear Anna,

This is the first letter I write to you after your birth, and I’m very excited to tell you all the news that’s been happening in our lives lately. First let me start by telling you how much I’ve grown in love with you in these past eight months! From the moment I kissed your little hand in the hospital until this moment as you sit on the carpet playing with your toys and biting anything you could get your hands on! And I promise to keep loving you until the day I close my eyes and fall into my eternal sleep.

Baby girl, day by day, you’re teaching me how to be a mother, and a better human being. You’re eight months and two weeks old already, and every second of these eight months was an adventure. But there are certain moments that keep spinning through my mind every time I talk about you, I call these moments the peek memories. The first time I laid eyes on you when the doctor held you up after your delivery, and you were so blue and crying out so loud that your voice filled the operation room! That moment I was praying and crying and laughing at the same time!!! I was lost in that moment and all I wanted was to cuddle you and kiss you!

My second peek memory, was when we had a visit from some relatives who you’ve not seen before! When one of them tried to hold you up, you started crying and looked at me scared, and you tried to jump from the Lady‘s arms to mine!! I took you into my arms and for the first time I felt like a real mother, you were asking me to protect you  and I was there for you, and forever I ‘ll be there for you.

My third peek moment was the day you rolled over!! I was getting worried that you’re late to roll over and already seven months old! And one morning out of no where you rolled over! Me and your dad we were so excited, we were gazing at you not believing what just happened! And now you can’t stop rolling over and scooting yourself all over the house! I even caught you trying to pull over some of my decorative items! You’re so cute!

Here comes my Fourth and by so far my best peek moment! Your first tooth!!!! I’m super excited to tell you about this Anna, so last week you were biting on your plastic toy and suddenly you started screaming! Me and your dad rushed to pick you up, I thought you must have hurt your gum so I grabbed the teething gel and started rubbing your little swallow gum! I told your father : The poor thing must have heart herself hard, I can feel the cut beneath my finger! Thank God your father is the smart one in this family, LOL! He opened your mouth and saw your little tooth peeking out!

My poor baby, you have been really fuzzy through these few days. As another tooth peaked just right next to the other. And we haven’t been getting enough sleep. But I know it’s just a phase, another growth spurt that we’re experimenting together, and soon all the pain will go away and you’ll feel a lot better about those weird white things that appeared in your mouth all of a sudden!

OOOps  I forget to tell you about the day you first said Mama!!! But I wrote you a whole poem about that moment!

Anna, Me and your dad, we love you so much. Everything we do, every decision we take , we now do it with your best interest in mind. You’re the joy of our lives and the blessing in our house. And everyday we pray for God to give you a long healthy and happy life, and to give us the power to be there for you every step of the way and the good health to support you and watch you grow!

Until my second letter, stay as cute as you are, love you!

Mama

Her Identity says : MOM, nothing more!!!

Her Identity says : MOM, nothing more!!!.

Her hair is a mess, dressed in her pijamas still,

A mop in her hand cleaning the spilled milk cup, which lies on the kitchen floor

trying to to have time not to burn the eggs on the stove

running from room to room to get them dressed, wondering whether she was living a dream!

four little children making the biggest mess

school bus is almost there, and nothing as always is ready yet

No time to think about her sours , to time for herself!

She breathes in deep trying to control her rebellious nerves

she breathes out with a prayer: God give me the strength!

a few minutes later and they are on their way to school

the house suddenly empty! and the sound of silence gives her the chills

My mother drinks her cup of coffee and stares deep inside her soul

her identity is not clear to her anymore,

she only knows she’s a mother of four,

she thinks as she rests her aching feet,

she even forgets to answer to her name when she’s called

She’s used to being called: mom, and nothing more!

STOP!!!! 5 minutes already gone!!

I found out that my fellow blogger Colline has written a post for a weekly challenge, hosted by another fellow blogger, I like her post and the idea so much that I decided to participate!!!

(This post is written for the Five Minute Friday Challenge hosted by The Gypsy Mama. The main idea is for Participants to write for 5 minutes with no editing, no over thinking, and no looking back. This week’s Challenge is about: Identity)

My name is Rana, And I’m not a terrorist!

Yes my friends I am an Arab, a Lebanese who is proud of her country and her nationality. I’m writing this post after reading the post of my fellow blogger Aisha, who felt annoyed after watching a video on you tube, where a Muslim girl in veil appeared and the comments on that video were insulting to the girl and her religion.`

Unfortunately the stereo types of Muslims and Arabs that the media has spread around the world caused this! And after 9/11 the situation exploded! Hearts were filled with hatred and revenge. Since then when you mention the word Arab outside the Arabian countries the first picture that pops into minds is a person with a long beard, wrapped in old clothes, riding on a camel with a pistol on his side, and is ready to kill, rape and destroy in the name of God!!! And you are not to blame for having such an imagination, because Media ( Be it T.V or internet or any other form , has been planting this image in your minds since years ago). Now most of you have seen photos of me and my family, I mean come on do we look like we’ve been in the desert riding camels? or do we have the looks of a terrorist?

In my country Lebanon we have tasted the bitter cup of civil wars for over than thirty years, and we learned the hard way that this wasn’t the way of God! But the ways of the devil himself!!! We were fighting each other and killing each other in the name of God, when did God ask us to kill in his name?Show me in any religion in the world did God say it’s ok to kill? I thank God everyday that I was not yet born during that awful phase of our history. I’m unable to harm an ant!

And those people who kill and harm in the name of God, are led by the devil .  They know nothing about the Lord and his commandments,

John 13:34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.”

As  an Arab Christian I feel insulted when someone insults the muslims in my country, because they are my brothers in humanity and my neighbors. And I keep in mind what my lord Jesus taught me:Mark 12:31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

Since pictures speak louder than words, allow me my friends to post a picture that will tell it all about Lebanon.

Bless you.

Another Random Thought!

Quote

We’re merely visitors on this earth, guests who are destined to one day leave. Be polite enough to maintain this earth pure and nice and to thank God for hosting us on one of his planets.

Rana

Only to you I kneel

James 4:6 ESV  : But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

Micah 6:8 ESV  He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?

Matthew 19:24 Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

To you I come thirsty,

My throat hurts,

yet my tongue speaks the truth,

my lips are proud to repeat your name

only to you I kneel,

in pain I speak, the heavy burdens on my shoulders are becoming a part of my body

to you only , I reveal my weakness, and confess my sins…

Oh Father, Holy is your name

You lift my burdens, and ease my pain

Oh Father, Holy is your name,

you water my soul so I don’t feel the thirst,

Hear me Lord, to you I pray,

I light my candle, wipe oil on my forehead,and ask for your mercy

Holy is your name

Only to you I kneel  in shame of what my weak soul tempted me to do

I’m in pain because through my sins I made you sad,

forgive me Father I’m your little child

I deserve your punishment, but do not deprive me from your love

You have blessed me with your gifts

took away my pain

protected my soul and guided me to the right path again

Your generosity amazes me

your love softens my heart

isn’t it enough you carried a heavy cross, so I don’t

and you were crucified to save my spirit from doom

Hear my words of regret my Lord, and feel my tears

my soul is humbled by your presence and my heart craves your grace

To you I pray

This busy life with all its fake appearances has distracted us from meditating in your words

we forgot that you warned us that the devil will try to distract us as he disguises in many ways

Fashion, televisions , mobile phones, fancy cars, luxurious houses

do all these things really matter?

through your life you have shown us how little we need to be truly happy

in the most humble places you were born

and as a carpenter you have worked

you washed the feet of your students

and shared your dinner with the needy

you could have chosen any life you want

yet you chose to be poor and humble

help me reflect on your life

and learn from you my Lord, my teacher and savior

protect my soul Father

help me to be wise enough to hold on to my faith

let your beauty shine through my actions and my words

help me to be more modest and to remember that I’m from dust and to dust I shall one day return

Amen

A random thought…

Everyday your ship drifts further,

away from my shores and into the wide open sea

I’m afraid, that one day you’ll decide to come back home,

but you won’t find me there…

Dear Diary, I love him to be…

Dear Diary,

Every day, I write him over your pages

and later,  I erase him!

I remember the day I was born from his breath,

the day our souls united

then, I write him  again …

And I love him even though he doesn’t have a clear identity in my life

even though there’s no map to his existence

nor a Specific description of how he spreads his soul over the zones of my being

I love him! but,Words are no longer able to deliver  meanings..

I love him without the illusions of fairy tales,

Without logic

even Without madness !!

I love him, just so we can be

I love him just so we can be

To be

And I remember the day I sipped him with my wine into my blood

and became addicted to his scent.

Dear diary,

blame not, my foolish fever of love,

since I know he loves me.

even though I’m a woman of contradictions,

a hundred person dressed as one

he loves me still

Without insanity, without delirium

he Loves me just so we can be

And I love him to be …

Oh diary, my trust worthy friend…

hear my secret and pass it to none

The day I met him,

I disobeyed  all the traditions of my tribe

And neglected all the advises of the elderly

I erased every word written in my past

and I spread out my hand to his,

turned my back and walked away from my village..

Now I’m confused diary,

a woman rejected by her past,

scared of her future,

a woman with nothing in her pockets, but a moment in present

Shall I fight for a love that might never be,

Shall I go back to what once was,

or shall I continue living in a dream

and just love him, so we can be…