Beirut, cries tears of blood Today!

Tears of blood! The blood of the innocent 8 dead victims( so far) and over 100 of those injured from a bomb explosion in Achrafeih -Beirut in Lebanon. My sadness is larger than my words, I only want to weep my Beirut and pray for tonight…

 

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Something Personal!

I’m writing this post while lying on my back and holding my laptop upside down, so excuse me for all the typing mistakes I might be making.

July has been a tough and sad month in my family. Tomorrow is the last day of this month and I can’t explain how happy I’ll be to say goodbye July and welcome August.

At the beginning of July, I hurt my back badly while moving a sofa on my balcony. I can’t tell you how many times I have moved this sofa, but for some mysterious reason on that day ,moving it gave me a terrible pain in my back! I didn’t give it much thought, took a five minutes rest and then carried on my usual house chores. Two days later I was unable to move, every muscle in my body was hurting. My husband rushed me to the nearest hospital where the doctor asked for an x-ray of my back. He later told me that I’m suffering from disc!! He wrote a prescription and asked me to rest, and not lift more than 5 kilos.

A week later after taking the medication and resting, the pain only grew worst! I wasn’t able to walk, and my husband had to carry me around! We went to see a new doctor, who decided I had to take B 12 injections because my nerves were all swallow. He ordered me to complete rest for 8 days, and warned me that this was serious.

I was unable to carry my baby girl or take care of her, she would be crying in her bed and I would be crying in mine at the same time! My sister came to help, she was taking care of my baby and my husband of cooking. The house was a total mess, and I wasn’t able to hire anyone to clean up. why? Because suddenly, no one in Lebanon wants to work as a house keeper!

Two days after I started my injections, my husband came home early from work! His right hand all wrapped! He had an accident at work, an electrical appliance exploded while he was using it. And caused him a second degree burn! “Thank God you’re still alive !” that’s what the doctor said when he saw him!

Two weeks later, my husband’s hand is 70% better, thank god! And the doctor said within two months it will heal completely. As for me, the injections didn’t work and I’ve entered into a new cycle of therapy. This is my last chance of getting better, the doctor says! For one week I should lay on my back, and move only if I had to go to the restroom. Or else I will not be able to move without a wheelchair ,surgical operations are not very much advised , especially for someone young like me ,but we’ll see what happens.

My little girl crawls over to where I’m laying, she stands up with some help from my left hand. She puts her little head on my shoulder and closes her eyes. She makes me cry, I grab some chocolate chips from a bag beside me and feed her one by one. She claps her little hands and says “za2if” , which means clap in Lebanese, I taught her that before I got sick.

I wonder whether I’ll be able to hold her again, whether I’ll be able to take care of her again. I wonder whether I’ll be able to live a normal life again. I look at my husband, as he takes care of our little girl with his hand still wrapped and I’m thinking they both deserve better. But still, I thank god for everything, even the pain because it made me realize how lucky I was to be able to do the simplest thing like walking, and carrying my little one.

And I pray, that August will come with all the goodness in the world to my family, me and all those who need it, I pray for a healing for my pain and sickness and that one day I look back to this phase of my life and smile at the memory, and thank god for healing me.

 

A Letter To a casino dealer with a poker face!

All I wanted was your hug,

All I needed was some care,

All I longed for was your laugh,

But now I realize you never even care…

This love was just a bluff

to a casino dealer with a poker face

a fairy tale in a little girls dream

And nothing I do , will be ever enough..

But tonight when the trees weep

I’ll be there to wipe its tears

And tonight the stars  shall see,

that I’m over all those fears

And my soul is free,

And my soul shall soar into the new day

And the world shall see,

how my heart dances and sway,

And I’m sure you’ll be

sorry for not being there.

And soon my dear,

your nights will turn into days

and deep down you have that fear

that you’ll never be forgiven

you should’ve known better, than to take for granted

all the great love that you have been given…

As for me, I already see

Crystal clear, the way I should’ve been living

And the wind will carry my breath

to where the sun never sets,

to where the shores are warm,

a place away from you

a place with no regrets…

Look who’s talking too!

Image

Anna has been growing up so fast, exploring the world around her everyday! She’s now nine months old, and has thoughts and opinions about stuff. Here are some of her baby adventures through her day to day life, so look at her talk too!

Anna- talks © Rana Armoush 2012

Hello there! I just had two bottles of milk, and now for dessert I’m chewing on my foot 🙂 hehehe

Anna-talks© Rana Armoush 2012

YEH!!!! I didn’t see you dada you surprised me!

Anna-talks© Rana Armoush 2012

VIVA Mexico 🙂 viva la Fiestaaaaaaaaaaaa

Anna-talks© Rana Armoush 2012

                           I wonder if this hat is eatable… hmmm

Anna-talks© Rana Armoush 2012

Well, I’ll give it a chew and see..Nop, I don’t recommend eating your hats people, but you can chew on it to rub your tiny teeth though 🙂

Anna-talks© Rana Armoush 2012

Dada stop licking me and look at the cam , they’re taking our photo!

Anna-talks© Rana Armoush 2012

Open your eyes , you always close your eyes in photos!

Anna

  • Mama wanted to take a photo for us with the trees, she said when I grow up probably there won’t be any trees left! And this photo will be a good memory of what trees look like!!!

Anna-talks© Rana Armoush 2012

yeah so now he’s eating my ear, he’s been trying to do that since I was born, and he’s not convinced yet it’s not FOOD!

Dada where have you been, you missed a really yummy breakfast!

Hey what you Laughing about ? hehe! Dada why you Laughing?

                                        Who’s got yogurt whiskers?

ME?!!!!!!!!!!!! MAMA why you didn’t tell me I had yogurt whiskers? This man is making fun of me! And you call your self a father! Shame on you.
 Wash it out mama, wash the yogurt out!! hurry before dada takes another embarrassing photo!
Hey grandma, do you want some cucumber? it’s good for you, and you can chew on it to rub your growing teeth 😀

The Most Loving Heart

If Someone loves you for who you are

be you beautiful or ugly

Loves you even more than your mother or father or spouse would ever do

If Someone is there for you your whole life

through the bitter and sweet

and even when every body else shuts their doors in your face

this someone will be near you to wipe your tears and promise you

of better days, and  a better place

If this someone forgives you

even though you hurt him

it’s enough to be truly sorry and be sure to never do it again

he’s the best friend you’ll ever find in your joy and even in your pain

He knows your secrets even if you don’t tell him,

he knows your plans,

the roads you take, even the very word your thinking right now

needn’t you say!

He always does what is best for you, even though most of the times

you’ll doubt his ways

he keeps telling you to ask of him

and he shall give you what you ask for

all you have to do is believe that he’s always there for you

I bet you’re wondering now: Oh really? As if such a person exists!! Show me someone like that and I’ll never let go of him… right?

My friend, can’t you feel him already?don’t open your eyes and gaze around! see with your heart, there you’ll find him. Perfect in all his existence, the greatest heart of all times. The most loving , forgiving, father and friend. Trust in God my friend, he’s all that and much more than my poor pen could bare to write. Now that you found him, never let go of him…

A random thought…

Everyday your ship drifts further,

away from my shores and into the wide open sea

I’m afraid, that one day you’ll decide to come back home,

but you won’t find me there…

Dear Diary, I love him to be…

Dear Diary,

Every day, I write him over your pages

and later,  I erase him!

I remember the day I was born from his breath,

the day our souls united

then, I write him  again …

And I love him even though he doesn’t have a clear identity in my life

even though there’s no map to his existence

nor a Specific description of how he spreads his soul over the zones of my being

I love him! but,Words are no longer able to deliver  meanings..

I love him without the illusions of fairy tales,

Without logic

even Without madness !!

I love him, just so we can be

I love him just so we can be

To be

And I remember the day I sipped him with my wine into my blood

and became addicted to his scent.

Dear diary,

blame not, my foolish fever of love,

since I know he loves me.

even though I’m a woman of contradictions,

a hundred person dressed as one

he loves me still

Without insanity, without delirium

he Loves me just so we can be

And I love him to be …

Oh diary, my trust worthy friend…

hear my secret and pass it to none

The day I met him,

I disobeyed  all the traditions of my tribe

And neglected all the advises of the elderly

I erased every word written in my past

and I spread out my hand to his,

turned my back and walked away from my village..

Now I’m confused diary,

a woman rejected by her past,

scared of her future,

a woman with nothing in her pockets, but a moment in present

Shall I fight for a love that might never be,

Shall I go back to what once was,

or shall I continue living in a dream

and just love him, so we can be…

Dancing On The Shore Of Illusion!

Dance with me…

On the shores of this amazing illusion,

pull me closer to you

whisper to me,

that you love me…

teach me all the required steps

to master this dance

I want to give my best performance tonight…

Help me to learn the melody

of those yellow leaves scattered under our feet…

to enjoy the tenderness of the sand…

Dance with me…

Help me to break free,

Save me

from the bloody wire of thorns they wrapped around my waist

I’m the soft breath of early summer in my land

A butterfly,

who feels so weak, I have been captured by hand…

they took my voice, my clothes, and burnt down my house

they killed the children in my village

and covered the fields in black

they even threatened the sun,

and the moon was too scared to come out at night

they hushed the mothers , so nobody hears them cry!

But they couldn’t take my pen away,

nor my ability to smile,

they were surprised that I can dance still,

when my feet are wrapped in chains

They didn’t know that injured birds also sing

they sing so lovely even when in pain

they didn’t know that earth will continue its tour

and the sun is waiting to meet us again!

They forgot that God is more powerful than their weapons

and that the will of the poor and sad will one day win

I promised to keep writing and dancing

Even when I’m dancing in pain

So, Dance with me tonight!

Let your words be my music

and your voice, a rhythm

Teach me to dance, teach me..

bring me closer to your breath,

And only then, step back and leave me

Never lay a kiss on my virgin lips

never set a sigh

never crave a sensitive touch,

my perfume

or a look

from my sad eyes,

All I want for tonight

Is a moment of transparency

maybe tomorrow we won’t be here

and you

and me

we’ll be, two travelers

searching for their country

for a home, to their never-ceasing nostalgia,

two strangers,

Who once met, and danced for a brief,

in sad harmony

on the shores of an illusion..

Missing Kindness (1) Danger Alert! Bed time Stories

“Standing in line at the cashier, with her two kids and a toddler on her arms and holding all the items that she has purchased, she was waiting for her turn. There was only one person in line before her when her baby started crying. As she was trying to calm a baby a woman behind her, asked her in an angry voice whether she was in line! Yes! She said looking at the cashier to find that two lines has formed around her in seconds!!! She was now left out of line, and the cashier told her rudely that she needed to get in line! “That’s what happened with my fellow blogger “M” is for Marriage and Motherhood,! She blogged about it in her post Missing Kindness!, saying: ” This incident made me think that I miss Kindness!… I am feeling sad, upset, and discourage. How come with every passing day there are more and more people caring less and less about simple acts of kindness that make this world so much better.”

“M” shouts out a call for love, for reviving kindness, she asks her readers to join her call for passing on this virtue: “Do you miss Kindness? If so, please, write a post about it and paste the picture on this post to your post. Let’s remember the world how important is to keep this virtue alive, because, indeed, it makes the world a better place! Thank you.

To “M”, with love..

Inspired by your call, I will be writing several posts about why kindness is missing from our world today and how to help it blossom. So here’s part one!

Rana

Do you remember the old days, when people were kind and generous to each others. When everyone went to sleep with their doors opened and kept their car keys in the cars! When young men and women rushed to help the elderly cross the streets, or carried their groceries home ! When women took turn to help their neighbor who has just given birth.When cursing and saying bad words was as awful as a committing a crime! I bet a lot of few wish today was as good as yesterday, and that kindness blossoms again in the hearts . But why wish! Take action now:

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Look around you, there’s almost  a whole generation of people who are not kind, don’t take part of kindness activities for the benefit of the society or even worst: they think kindness is a sign of weakness. and when I say “almost”, it’s because there are still people in this world with good hearts and pure souls trying to help.

  It All Begins With The Children

Children are said to be sponges, at a very young age they start absorbing every little information coming their way!

A small but very serious example is the bed time stories we tell our children before they go to sleep, you know sleep the time when their eyes are closed and their little brains are analyzing in the subconscious every part of the story they just heard, turning it into facts which soon will shape their personality!!!

Let’s take the innocent story of Jack and the Beans for instant:

1-Mother tells Jack to sell the cow to get money, Jack triads the cow for magic beans instead!!: Hence Jack didn’t hear for his mom, and didn’t respect her words!

2-The beans turn out to be magical and grow over night into the sky: Teaching the children that there’s a magical power in this world that defies the power of God ( people look up to the sky when they pray or speak to God)

3- Jack climbs the tree and finds and ogres: The kid is now confused, if God is in the sky , is God the Ogre !

4-Jack steals the pile of Gold from the ogre, his mom is happy because they are not poor anymore! So instead of finding work, and supporting his mother Jack simply steals and they are not poor anymore Hooray! Horay indeed you just taught your kid it’s ok to steal!!

5-Jack and his mom spend all the money so he climbs back and steals the ogre hen which lays golden eggs!! You’re child has now learned that if he steals he won’t be punished! Instead he could go back to more stealing! And hey why study or work for a better future there’s a hen that lay’s golden eggs waiting for him out there to find it or steal it!

6-Again Jack climbs back and steals the ogre’s singing piano but this time the ogre chases him down the beans, Where Jack cuts down the bean, hence killing the ogre, and he and his mom live happily ever after!! So let’s see what we have learned in this final paragraph: Again no one will put you in jail for stealing, on the contrary mom will be happy and while you’re at it it’s ok to kill!! Jack killed the ogre after stealing from him so killing is not so bad! And you know what if you steal and kill you’ll live happily ever after!!

So when you’re innocently helping your child to sleep by telling him “Jack and the beans”you’re actually manipulating your child’s way of thinking and teaching him to:

-To be disrespectful, Not hear what you say, not listen to your advice and follow his own will and in this case the will of a stranger!

-There’s no need to study or work in this life because it’s OK to steal from other people!

-A thief is not punished by law or rejected by society or even yelled at by his own family, Instead he’s free to steal again and again whenever he wants! and there are magical beans somewhere which will solve his problems1

– It’s OK to kill!

The same goes for other bed time stories which are very popular among children and adults sometimes, such as “Aladen and the magic lamp”, “Snow White”, “Cinderella” etc. I bet if you take the time to consider these stories and the moral lessons behind them, you’ll feel guilty for having told your children these stories.

Look behind the lines! Look for the moral lessons behind these stories which are corrupting our youngsters minds! Every night, millions of parents world wide tell their children these stories, and even repeat them for days.

And you wonder  why this generation is mostly corrupted! Why Kindness is Lacking! How do you expect from a child learning that its OK to hurt and harm and steal and kill to be kind! How do you expect from a  whole generation learning these awful acts to grow into loving , caring people who help others!!!

Danger Alert! Save your children, save their future! Next time you’re in the bookshop buying your child a happy ever after fairy tale , Don’t!!!  Life is not happily ever after, life is about the choices we make everyday! And your child needs to learn that there are consequences for bad behavior, and that there’s honesty and love and kindness and that in the future he needs to work hard to achieve his goals and earn a living.

So instead of buying brain damaging, antisocial materials to your kids, be creative! Tell the stories about their ancestors, about how they should respect eldrely people, how theifs get punished, and teach them about God, the merciful, the kind….If you’re not feeling inspired, please take a look at my series”Teach the children”you’ll find some of the stories in the short stories category and in the Christmas stories category and I will be posting more stories soon.

Some inspiring verses from the bible about teaching the children:

But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.
(2 Timothy 3:14-15 Holy Bible ESV)

Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
(Proverbs 22:6 ESV)

for more inspiring verses about children in the bible !please visit http://ministry-to-children.com/bible-verses-about-children/

 

Cigarette Dreams!

She stares at her reflection in the mirror as she combs her hair, as if she’s staring at a total stranger! She doesn’t know who’s that woman any more! That’s not her, those sad eyes aren’t her’s? That yellow skin and the ruins of a delightful smile, who do they belong to?
She has learned to fake her smiles lately, she has learned to play the role of the happy woman. Everyone around her envy her, they think because she doesn’t talk about her problems , that she has none! She starts brushing her teeth, with her sight focused on the sink. She’s ashamed to look into the mirror again, she doesn’t know how to explain herself to herself! That sad reflection is demanding an explanation, is hunting her to know why she’s doing the awful crime of suffering in silence! Oh but what does that reflection knows about life any way? She rinse her mouth with some water, grabs a towel and pat her wet lips avoiding any contact with the mirror! “I’m starting to hate mirrors” she thought, remembering how she used to spend hours in front of her mirror trying on different suits and different styles of make up. How pretty she used to feel, those times seem to be from the ancient past to her now. She feels so old, although she’s still in her early twenties.
She loved him, he loved her. They went on that crazy adventure and stood hand in hand against the whole world. He promised her that she’s going to be his queen for the rest of their lives together, she promised to love and cherish him until death do them apart. Now they’re together, the world that once was against them is now by their side. The people who tried to talk them out of their craziness in the past, are now jealous of how happy they seem to be. He treats her well, so well in fact that its to good to be true !
She hangs the towel back in its place, and leaves the bathroom. It’s time for doing the same boring house chores! As she vacuum clean the living room, she remembers the day they bought those sofa’s. They were still on the run, preparing secretly to get married. They rented an apartment in the country side away from anyone who might know them! They convinced the owner that they were newly weds! They had to furnish the place, she stayed and cleaned while he went out to get some cash from the bank. They were so excited to have their own place! When she saw the sofas she immediately fell in love with them, all she could thin of was all the wonderful love moments that they’ll be sharing on those sofas as they watch TV, or just chill in the evening by the fire-place! She draws a sad smile on her face, oh how cold and lonely these sofas seem to be now!
Into the bedroom she went. She opened the dark curtains, allowing a weak beam of sun ray to enter. She started picking up his pyjamas and socks from the ground. He has that annoying habit of throwing everything on the ground! He doesn’t bother to walk a few steps to put his clothes in the washing basket. She has told him many times that she felt insulted by that behavior, as if she was a maid and her job is to pick up after him. He promised her to change that habit, but promises with him remain promises. she makes that large bed, and spreads new sheets. She remembered that he picked that bedroom! He said he loved it because it had a large bed, on which they can roll freely every night! “We gonna need the largest bed you have”He said to the sales man as he looked at her and winked, her cheeks blushed! “Newly weds ha!”the sales man said smiling at the young couple as he walked them into a large gallery of bedrooms. “You have to know that you’ll be spending most of your time in that bed my lady”He whispered in her ears, and she blushed again! She takes a long look at that bed,oh how did that safe refugee turn into a silent death trap!
She tries to figure out what happened, why did their lives change! Where did all the love go! She still loves him, she knows he loves her, so what happened! Why does she feel so lonely and trapped.
The living room is filled with the echos of what used to be their laughter, and the dust of sweeter times. Their bed has turned into two camps, of back apposite to back. That’s how the go to sleep every night! He says “I love you, good night baby” kisses her on the cheek, turns his back and falls right to sleep! She turns her back too, and falls right into tears!
“He’s been having some problems at work, he needs some personal space to calm down” She told her best friend when she was visiting her a few days ago. “Stop giving him excuses!”Her friend replied! ” (IF) he has problems at work, he must grow closer to you, because when we love someone we only feel safe and rested with him, we forget our problems and troubles in his hug and the comfort of his kiss not the other way around!” she knows her friend is right, but she couldn’t tell her that. “Oh what a lovely vase, is it new”She said changing the subject.
Today its their first anniversary together, something inside of her tells her he forget. Or maybe he’s not into celebrating the occasion.Didn’t he do the same on her birthday! and on his own! Although she insisted on lighting a candle on a home-made cake and wishing him many years to come.
In the evening he came home, kissed her on the cheeks as usual. After he had his shower, they ate dinner quietly as they watched a movie. They had coffee after dinner, and as usual he opened his PC and started playing online games. She calmed herself down “I’m going to have a shower, don’t go to sleep, wait up for me” She said as she held his hand and looked into his eyes. “Ok”He said, looking back at his PC. She finished her shower, and again she was staring at her reflection. This  time she dared to look “Tonight will be different, I’m going to get my husband back. It’s our anniversary, and I must remind him of all our great memories, and all the love we share!”As if she was challenging that sad young woman, She drew a smile on her face, and left the bathroom.
On that large bed, lay her only love, her partner in life, her husband. There he lay, with his back turned and his snoring killing the silence of the night! She couldn’t believe her eyes! She wept rushing back into the bathroom. She searched for her long left pack of cigarettes, she smoked and smoked and smoked until she wasn’t able to see her hands anymore, the smoke formed a large cloud of fog in that tiny restroom.”I was stupid enough to dream, to believe in the “happily ever after” nonsense! Rise smoke, rise and vanish just like my dreams” She puffed the smoke into the clouded area, and tuned off her last cigarette of the pack. “Cigarette dreams, that’s what my love story is. I love it, I can’t quit. But in the end I have gained nothing but smoky fog and a heartache that might one day kill me.
At midnight she woke him up! Annoyed from being awaken, he asked her what she wanted. “Happy anniversary honey” She said sarcastically. He, barely awake, hugged her and murmured  “I Love you, hopefully we’ll celebrate it for many years to come” and he fell back to sleep. She thought, as she pulled herself away from his hands, “Do I really want many more of such celebrations?