For better and for worse: Thank you!

It’s a journey that starts with a slap on the back, and you never know when it ends!It’s life! You’ll never get to know the famous ” Ups and Downs” until you experience it! You’ll never learn the lessons until the events are history and you’re looking back.

Live it, love it and embrace it. For  better and the worse, for richer and hpoorer, you ought to thank God!

Would you know the value of happiness, if you haven’t experienced sadness? Would you know the value of water, if you haven’t experienced thirst?  And I ask you, as I have asked myself, would you know how many blessings are shed on your life, if they weren’t taken from you, even for a short while?

We nag a lot, don’t we? we blame destiny for every wrong thing  we experience. We curse, we shout, we rebel for the tiniest and silliest reasons. How many times have you said: “It’s not fair!” or ” I don’t deserve this!” Or even worst ” Why me God? Why me!”

If you come to think about it, Are you the judge of what’s fair and what’s not? Who can be more fair than God? Can you? I have asked the question ” Why me God?” So many times, until I reached the answer ” Why not me?” The mighty God, who has given me so many blessings through my life, who has saved me from my own self and others, doesn’t he deserve my thanks and gratefulness when he puts me into trial? If I thank him and accept his judgment when I’m happy and healthy, doesn’t he deserve my thank you and acceptance when I’m sick and down? Is he my God only at my best, and during my worst I blame him?

For two months I was almost crippled, unable to walk, and perform the simplest everyday functions the way I used to. And guess what : that experience was the most in lighting and educative experience I’ve ever had! And I was sure to thank God for it, especially through my sickness. And that’s how I prayed through it.

” My God, I know that you are fair, and your judgments are just. If I’m sick because of all the sins that I’ve made through my life, then I thank you for the suffering I’m going through now instead of experimenting it after you take my soul. I pray that you would be erasing my sins through this suffering. If I’m sick, but not because of my sins, then I thank you for the purpose you intended for me, even if it’s hidden from me now, but I’m sure I will learn it later in life.  I pray that you lift this heavy burden off of me, if that’s your wish. Whatever you wish for me God, I accept it thankfully!”

Do this with me, think about your regular day, the one you might describe as boring. I guess you would say: I wake up, get out of bed, walk into the bathroom. I might change my clothes, or stay in my pijis. I have a cup of coffee….” In those three simple sentences, do you know how many actions you have done, and you have the Lord to thank for?  You might have never considered this before, I never did as well, until …

How would you feel, that on that same boring day, you woke up, but you couldn’t get out of bed? Your whole body was in terrible pain? unable to move your legs and having a serious wish to go to the WC. but the only way to do so is to ask for somebody’s help?! you can’t sit up straight to drink, and have to eat your meals lying on your back? you can’t walk, carry things or even dress yourself?!!! how hard is that? how tough?! Well now you know what a blessing it is to be able to do the simplest things, like walking, dressing, eating while you’re sitting up. and going to pee by yourself! You see how many things you’re blessed with? how thankful you should be? Before my experience I used to look to people on wheel chairs with pity, not in a bad form, but I used to be sorry for them. Now I see them through different lense: I respect them, for their courage, their strong will and their acceptance for God’s judgment. And for trying to make the best out of their condition.

Now I know, when I see crippled people in worship houses, that they’re there to pray for their own miracle, to ask for forgiveness and mercy and patience. They’re not there to put the blames on destiny, nor to rebel!

There are a few lines from an Arabic poetry that I came to admire so much, here’s my translation of these lines into English: You, who whines and weeps even though you are healthy , I wonder what would you do if you got sick? An evil person on this earth is the one   who wishes himself death every single day!

Indeed….

If you plant grapes, you shall not harvest  thorns!

Thank you to all those who prayed for me… your prayers gave me strength, and were definitely heard…

Thank you God for healing me…

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A Letter To a casino dealer with a poker face!

All I wanted was your hug,

All I needed was some care,

All I longed for was your laugh,

But now I realize you never even care…

This love was just a bluff

to a casino dealer with a poker face

a fairy tale in a little girls dream

And nothing I do , will be ever enough..

But tonight when the trees weep

I’ll be there to wipe its tears

And tonight the stars  shall see,

that I’m over all those fears

And my soul is free,

And my soul shall soar into the new day

And the world shall see,

how my heart dances and sway,

And I’m sure you’ll be

sorry for not being there.

And soon my dear,

your nights will turn into days

and deep down you have that fear

that you’ll never be forgiven

you should’ve known better, than to take for granted

all the great love that you have been given…

As for me, I already see

Crystal clear, the way I should’ve been living

And the wind will carry my breath

to where the sun never sets,

to where the shores are warm,

a place away from you

a place with no regrets…

A Letter to My Baby Girl!

Dear Anna,

This is the first letter I write to you after your birth, and I’m very excited to tell you all the news that’s been happening in our lives lately. First let me start by telling you how much I’ve grown in love with you in these past eight months! From the moment I kissed your little hand in the hospital until this moment as you sit on the carpet playing with your toys and biting anything you could get your hands on! And I promise to keep loving you until the day I close my eyes and fall into my eternal sleep.

Baby girl, day by day, you’re teaching me how to be a mother, and a better human being. You’re eight months and two weeks old already, and every second of these eight months was an adventure. But there are certain moments that keep spinning through my mind every time I talk about you, I call these moments the peek memories. The first time I laid eyes on you when the doctor held you up after your delivery, and you were so blue and crying out so loud that your voice filled the operation room! That moment I was praying and crying and laughing at the same time!!! I was lost in that moment and all I wanted was to cuddle you and kiss you!

My second peek memory, was when we had a visit from some relatives who you’ve not seen before! When one of them tried to hold you up, you started crying and looked at me scared, and you tried to jump from the Lady‘s arms to mine!! I took you into my arms and for the first time I felt like a real mother, you were asking me to protect you  and I was there for you, and forever I ‘ll be there for you.

My third peek moment was the day you rolled over!! I was getting worried that you’re late to roll over and already seven months old! And one morning out of no where you rolled over! Me and your dad we were so excited, we were gazing at you not believing what just happened! And now you can’t stop rolling over and scooting yourself all over the house! I even caught you trying to pull over some of my decorative items! You’re so cute!

Here comes my Fourth and by so far my best peek moment! Your first tooth!!!! I’m super excited to tell you about this Anna, so last week you were biting on your plastic toy and suddenly you started screaming! Me and your dad rushed to pick you up, I thought you must have hurt your gum so I grabbed the teething gel and started rubbing your little swallow gum! I told your father : The poor thing must have heart herself hard, I can feel the cut beneath my finger! Thank God your father is the smart one in this family, LOL! He opened your mouth and saw your little tooth peeking out!

My poor baby, you have been really fuzzy through these few days. As another tooth peaked just right next to the other. And we haven’t been getting enough sleep. But I know it’s just a phase, another growth spurt that we’re experimenting together, and soon all the pain will go away and you’ll feel a lot better about those weird white things that appeared in your mouth all of a sudden!

OOOps  I forget to tell you about the day you first said Mama!!! But I wrote you a whole poem about that moment!

Anna, Me and your dad, we love you so much. Everything we do, every decision we take , we now do it with your best interest in mind. You’re the joy of our lives and the blessing in our house. And everyday we pray for God to give you a long healthy and happy life, and to give us the power to be there for you every step of the way and the good health to support you and watch you grow!

Until my second letter, stay as cute as you are, love you!

Mama

The Most Loving Heart

If Someone loves you for who you are

be you beautiful or ugly

Loves you even more than your mother or father or spouse would ever do

If Someone is there for you your whole life

through the bitter and sweet

and even when every body else shuts their doors in your face

this someone will be near you to wipe your tears and promise you

of better days, and  a better place

If this someone forgives you

even though you hurt him

it’s enough to be truly sorry and be sure to never do it again

he’s the best friend you’ll ever find in your joy and even in your pain

He knows your secrets even if you don’t tell him,

he knows your plans,

the roads you take, even the very word your thinking right now

needn’t you say!

He always does what is best for you, even though most of the times

you’ll doubt his ways

he keeps telling you to ask of him

and he shall give you what you ask for

all you have to do is believe that he’s always there for you

I bet you’re wondering now: Oh really? As if such a person exists!! Show me someone like that and I’ll never let go of him… right?

My friend, can’t you feel him already?don’t open your eyes and gaze around! see with your heart, there you’ll find him. Perfect in all his existence, the greatest heart of all times. The most loving , forgiving, father and friend. Trust in God my friend, he’s all that and much more than my poor pen could bare to write. Now that you found him, never let go of him…

Another Random Thought!

Quote

We’re merely visitors on this earth, guests who are destined to one day leave. Be polite enough to maintain this earth pure and nice and to thank God for hosting us on one of his planets.

Rana

Only to you I kneel

James 4:6 ESV  : But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”

Micah 6:8 ESV  He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?

Matthew 19:24 Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”

To you I come thirsty,

My throat hurts,

yet my tongue speaks the truth,

my lips are proud to repeat your name

only to you I kneel,

in pain I speak, the heavy burdens on my shoulders are becoming a part of my body

to you only , I reveal my weakness, and confess my sins…

Oh Father, Holy is your name

You lift my burdens, and ease my pain

Oh Father, Holy is your name,

you water my soul so I don’t feel the thirst,

Hear me Lord, to you I pray,

I light my candle, wipe oil on my forehead,and ask for your mercy

Holy is your name

Only to you I kneel  in shame of what my weak soul tempted me to do

I’m in pain because through my sins I made you sad,

forgive me Father I’m your little child

I deserve your punishment, but do not deprive me from your love

You have blessed me with your gifts

took away my pain

protected my soul and guided me to the right path again

Your generosity amazes me

your love softens my heart

isn’t it enough you carried a heavy cross, so I don’t

and you were crucified to save my spirit from doom

Hear my words of regret my Lord, and feel my tears

my soul is humbled by your presence and my heart craves your grace

To you I pray

This busy life with all its fake appearances has distracted us from meditating in your words

we forgot that you warned us that the devil will try to distract us as he disguises in many ways

Fashion, televisions , mobile phones, fancy cars, luxurious houses

do all these things really matter?

through your life you have shown us how little we need to be truly happy

in the most humble places you were born

and as a carpenter you have worked

you washed the feet of your students

and shared your dinner with the needy

you could have chosen any life you want

yet you chose to be poor and humble

help me reflect on your life

and learn from you my Lord, my teacher and savior

protect my soul Father

help me to be wise enough to hold on to my faith

let your beauty shine through my actions and my words

help me to be more modest and to remember that I’m from dust and to dust I shall one day return

Amen

A random thought…

Everyday your ship drifts further,

away from my shores and into the wide open sea

I’m afraid, that one day you’ll decide to come back home,

but you won’t find me there…

Dear Diary, I love him to be…

Dear Diary,

Every day, I write him over your pages

and later,  I erase him!

I remember the day I was born from his breath,

the day our souls united

then, I write him  again …

And I love him even though he doesn’t have a clear identity in my life

even though there’s no map to his existence

nor a Specific description of how he spreads his soul over the zones of my being

I love him! but,Words are no longer able to deliver  meanings..

I love him without the illusions of fairy tales,

Without logic

even Without madness !!

I love him, just so we can be

I love him just so we can be

To be

And I remember the day I sipped him with my wine into my blood

and became addicted to his scent.

Dear diary,

blame not, my foolish fever of love,

since I know he loves me.

even though I’m a woman of contradictions,

a hundred person dressed as one

he loves me still

Without insanity, without delirium

he Loves me just so we can be

And I love him to be …

Oh diary, my trust worthy friend…

hear my secret and pass it to none

The day I met him,

I disobeyed  all the traditions of my tribe

And neglected all the advises of the elderly

I erased every word written in my past

and I spread out my hand to his,

turned my back and walked away from my village..

Now I’m confused diary,

a woman rejected by her past,

scared of her future,

a woman with nothing in her pockets, but a moment in present

Shall I fight for a love that might never be,

Shall I go back to what once was,

or shall I continue living in a dream

and just love him, so we can be…

Passion

O people of this village

Do not think that I came here

to sell the remains of love

sticking to the tail of my dress …

open not your mouth, in shock

Hide not the eyes of your children

If their eyes explored the details of my aching body.

the brown wheat in your fields

is addicted to my perfume

and the flames of your burning summer

awakens the lust for life

that sleeps in my veins

I’m the widow of injustice

walking your streets,

Wearing the thirst of years

and years of sadness

I come in peace

to revive in you

What once lived in you

What now dies in you

The “Passion for life.”

Dancing On The Shore Of Illusion!

Dance with me…

On the shores of this amazing illusion,

pull me closer to you

whisper to me,

that you love me…

teach me all the required steps

to master this dance

I want to give my best performance tonight…

Help me to learn the melody

of those yellow leaves scattered under our feet…

to enjoy the tenderness of the sand…

Dance with me…

Help me to break free,

Save me

from the bloody wire of thorns they wrapped around my waist

I’m the soft breath of early summer in my land

A butterfly,

who feels so weak, I have been captured by hand…

they took my voice, my clothes, and burnt down my house

they killed the children in my village

and covered the fields in black

they even threatened the sun,

and the moon was too scared to come out at night

they hushed the mothers , so nobody hears them cry!

But they couldn’t take my pen away,

nor my ability to smile,

they were surprised that I can dance still,

when my feet are wrapped in chains

They didn’t know that injured birds also sing

they sing so lovely even when in pain

they didn’t know that earth will continue its tour

and the sun is waiting to meet us again!

They forgot that God is more powerful than their weapons

and that the will of the poor and sad will one day win

I promised to keep writing and dancing

Even when I’m dancing in pain

So, Dance with me tonight!

Let your words be my music

and your voice, a rhythm

Teach me to dance, teach me..

bring me closer to your breath,

And only then, step back and leave me

Never lay a kiss on my virgin lips

never set a sigh

never crave a sensitive touch,

my perfume

or a look

from my sad eyes,

All I want for tonight

Is a moment of transparency

maybe tomorrow we won’t be here

and you

and me

we’ll be, two travelers

searching for their country

for a home, to their never-ceasing nostalgia,

two strangers,

Who once met, and danced for a brief,

in sad harmony

on the shores of an illusion..