Something Personal!

I’m writing this post while lying on my back and holding my laptop upside down, so excuse me for all the typing mistakes I might be making.

July has been a tough and sad month in my family. Tomorrow is the last day of this month and I can’t explain how happy I’ll be to say goodbye July and welcome August.

At the beginning of July, I hurt my back badly while moving a sofa on my balcony. I can’t tell you how many times I have moved this sofa, but for some mysterious reason on that day ,moving it gave me a terrible pain in my back! I didn’t give it much thought, took a five minutes rest and then carried on my usual house chores. Two days later I was unable to move, every muscle in my body was hurting. My husband rushed me to the nearest hospital where the doctor asked for an x-ray of my back. He later told me that I’m suffering from disc!! He wrote a prescription and asked me to rest, and not lift more than 5 kilos.

A week later after taking the medication and resting, the pain only grew worst! I wasn’t able to walk, and my husband had to carry me around! We went to see a new doctor, who decided I had to take B 12 injections because my nerves were all swallow. He ordered me to complete rest for 8 days, and warned me that this was serious.

I was unable to carry my baby girl or take care of her, she would be crying in her bed and I would be crying in mine at the same time! My sister came to help, she was taking care of my baby and my husband of cooking. The house was a total mess, and I wasn’t able to hire anyone to clean up. why? Because suddenly, no one in Lebanon wants to work as a house keeper!

Two days after I started my injections, my husband came home early from work! His right hand all wrapped! He had an accident at work, an electrical appliance exploded while he was using it. And caused him a second degree burn! “Thank God you’re still alive !” that’s what the doctor said when he saw him!

Two weeks later, my husband’s hand is 70% better, thank god! And the doctor said within two months it will heal completely. As for me, the injections didn’t work and I’ve entered into a new cycle of therapy. This is my last chance of getting better, the doctor says! For one week I should lay on my back, and move only if I had to go to the restroom. Or else I will not be able to move without a wheelchair ,surgical operations are not very much advised , especially for someone young like me ,but we’ll see what happens.

My little girl crawls over to where I’m laying, she stands up with some help from my left hand. She puts her little head on my shoulder and closes her eyes. She makes me cry, I grab some chocolate chips from a bag beside me and feed her one by one. She claps her little hands and says “za2if” , which means clap in Lebanese, I taught her that before I got sick.

I wonder whether I’ll be able to hold her again, whether I’ll be able to take care of her again. I wonder whether I’ll be able to live a normal life again. I look at my husband, as he takes care of our little girl with his hand still wrapped and I’m thinking they both deserve better. But still, I thank god for everything, even the pain because it made me realize how lucky I was to be able to do the simplest thing like walking, and carrying my little one.

And I pray, that August will come with all the goodness in the world to my family, me and all those who need it, I pray for a healing for my pain and sickness and that one day I look back to this phase of my life and smile at the memory, and thank god for healing me.

 

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Look who’s talking too!

Image

Anna has been growing up so fast, exploring the world around her everyday! She’s now nine months old, and has thoughts and opinions about stuff. Here are some of her baby adventures through her day to day life, so look at her talk too!

Anna- talks © Rana Armoush 2012

Hello there! I just had two bottles of milk, and now for dessert I’m chewing on my foot 🙂 hehehe

Anna-talks© Rana Armoush 2012

YEH!!!! I didn’t see you dada you surprised me!

Anna-talks© Rana Armoush 2012

VIVA Mexico 🙂 viva la Fiestaaaaaaaaaaaa

Anna-talks© Rana Armoush 2012

                           I wonder if this hat is eatable… hmmm

Anna-talks© Rana Armoush 2012

Well, I’ll give it a chew and see..Nop, I don’t recommend eating your hats people, but you can chew on it to rub your tiny teeth though 🙂

Anna-talks© Rana Armoush 2012

Dada stop licking me and look at the cam , they’re taking our photo!

Anna-talks© Rana Armoush 2012

Open your eyes , you always close your eyes in photos!

Anna

  • Mama wanted to take a photo for us with the trees, she said when I grow up probably there won’t be any trees left! And this photo will be a good memory of what trees look like!!!

Anna-talks© Rana Armoush 2012

yeah so now he’s eating my ear, he’s been trying to do that since I was born, and he’s not convinced yet it’s not FOOD!

Dada where have you been, you missed a really yummy breakfast!

Hey what you Laughing about ? hehe! Dada why you Laughing?

                                        Who’s got yogurt whiskers?

ME?!!!!!!!!!!!! MAMA why you didn’t tell me I had yogurt whiskers? This man is making fun of me! And you call your self a father! Shame on you.
 Wash it out mama, wash the yogurt out!! hurry before dada takes another embarrassing photo!
Hey grandma, do you want some cucumber? it’s good for you, and you can chew on it to rub your growing teeth 😀

An Amazing Father!

 

To all the Father’s out there, Happy Father’s day!
To all the hard working, loving, caring and providing men in our lives, thank you!
To all the women striving to fill their absent men shoes, happy father’s day! You deserve it to!
But my words today are dedicated to a wonderful man, a father I’ve witnessed coming to life.
To a wonderful Father,
To you my husband,

Baby,
Let me tell about your daddy,
Listen carefully as I brush your hair…
He’s the most amazing man I’ve ever met
For the bitter and the sweet, he has always been there!
The moment you were conceived my girl
You were made from a mixture of love and care
Every step of the way your daddy loved us
He waited for your arrival impatiently, I swear
And finally you were here, after your difficult flight
He held your tiny body and kissed your little hands
With all the tenderness he could share
He was there for your first diaper change
For your first milk bottle and for your first bath
For your first smile, giggle, and when you sat on that little chair
Your father my child
Is the most amazing Man,
When you grow up,
And they ask you for your full name
Be proud to wear these letters
The few letters of his name
Be proud to say that you’ve been brought up
By a father who truly cares.
And because I love you
I honestly pray
That one day, you’ll meet a man who has your father’s traits
Only then I’ll be sure you’re going to be happy
With a love that lasts forever something much more than the usual human affair.

A Letter to My Baby Girl!

Dear Anna,

This is the first letter I write to you after your birth, and I’m very excited to tell you all the news that’s been happening in our lives lately. First let me start by telling you how much I’ve grown in love with you in these past eight months! From the moment I kissed your little hand in the hospital until this moment as you sit on the carpet playing with your toys and biting anything you could get your hands on! And I promise to keep loving you until the day I close my eyes and fall into my eternal sleep.

Baby girl, day by day, you’re teaching me how to be a mother, and a better human being. You’re eight months and two weeks old already, and every second of these eight months was an adventure. But there are certain moments that keep spinning through my mind every time I talk about you, I call these moments the peek memories. The first time I laid eyes on you when the doctor held you up after your delivery, and you were so blue and crying out so loud that your voice filled the operation room! That moment I was praying and crying and laughing at the same time!!! I was lost in that moment and all I wanted was to cuddle you and kiss you!

My second peek memory, was when we had a visit from some relatives who you’ve not seen before! When one of them tried to hold you up, you started crying and looked at me scared, and you tried to jump from the Lady‘s arms to mine!! I took you into my arms and for the first time I felt like a real mother, you were asking me to protect you  and I was there for you, and forever I ‘ll be there for you.

My third peek moment was the day you rolled over!! I was getting worried that you’re late to roll over and already seven months old! And one morning out of no where you rolled over! Me and your dad we were so excited, we were gazing at you not believing what just happened! And now you can’t stop rolling over and scooting yourself all over the house! I even caught you trying to pull over some of my decorative items! You’re so cute!

Here comes my Fourth and by so far my best peek moment! Your first tooth!!!! I’m super excited to tell you about this Anna, so last week you were biting on your plastic toy and suddenly you started screaming! Me and your dad rushed to pick you up, I thought you must have hurt your gum so I grabbed the teething gel and started rubbing your little swallow gum! I told your father : The poor thing must have heart herself hard, I can feel the cut beneath my finger! Thank God your father is the smart one in this family, LOL! He opened your mouth and saw your little tooth peeking out!

My poor baby, you have been really fuzzy through these few days. As another tooth peaked just right next to the other. And we haven’t been getting enough sleep. But I know it’s just a phase, another growth spurt that we’re experimenting together, and soon all the pain will go away and you’ll feel a lot better about those weird white things that appeared in your mouth all of a sudden!

OOOps  I forget to tell you about the day you first said Mama!!! But I wrote you a whole poem about that moment!

Anna, Me and your dad, we love you so much. Everything we do, every decision we take , we now do it with your best interest in mind. You’re the joy of our lives and the blessing in our house. And everyday we pray for God to give you a long healthy and happy life, and to give us the power to be there for you every step of the way and the good health to support you and watch you grow!

Until my second letter, stay as cute as you are, love you!

Mama

And you said ” Ma..ma”!!!

smile my baby girl,

your smile is magical, it cures mama’s heart

smile my baby girl,

giggle, laugh and play…

bringing life to my life, you seem to master this art

there’s no joy greater than the one I’m feeling today

your little lips imitating my morning song,

my little random babbling parrot,

your little lips my baby, managed to come together

and say the word I’ve been dreaming to hear for so long

” Ma…Maaa” you said it so innocently,

and you made my heart dance with your little smile of victory

staring deep inside your grey eyes, makes feel so strong

hearing you say ” Mama” was better than I ever thought it would be

a little tear tinkled my eyes as I held you and danced

but I refused to let it out, you’ll never see your mama cry

maybe on your graduation party, as you celebrate your degree

or on your wedding day, I might shed a tear ( or cry for nights after you leave)

As I stand with you , doing your veil, feeling so proud of the most beautiful girl…

Oh my god, I’ve gotten so carried away

my future just flashed in colors, and I saw you in years to come

all because of one little word

you cured mama’s heart

you little lovely being ,you seem to master this art:)

 

 

Guilt!

Last week my baby girl fell down and bumped her head, while I was doing some chores around the house. She started crying, and I immediately rushed to pick her up. The moment I held her she stopped crying and cuddled me!

Knowing how serious and dangerous a head injury or concussion might be, I called her doctor. He asked whether she was vomiting or seemed to be sleepy or tired. Thank God she wasn’t! She was playing with her toy and giggling. He told me there was nothing to worry about , but I better keep a close eye for any of these symptoms for the next 24 hours.

That night I wasn’t able to sleep, I kept cuddling Anna and crying. I felt so guilty, for leaving her on her chair to do my chores. I had her sleep by my side and kept checking her breath all night! I even woke her several times just to make sure she’s ok. Since then, my guilt has been pursuing me, I don’t want to leave her at any moment of her awaking time! I only work around the house when she’s sleeping, which isn’t enough because she only takes little cat naps. And I wasn’t able to write any new posts, up until now.

I know that the guilt I felt was normal, and thank god my baby is fine. Her pedia told me that it’s always worst on the parents then it is on the baby ( psychologically speaking). But It was a good wake up call: I’m always worried about cleaning the house, cooking, inviting friends over, making sure people sees me, my house , my marriage ,my baby as ideal as possible. Now I know all these fake appearances don’t matter, what really counts is my baby’s health. What really matters is being there for her, even if I spend my whole day doing nothing but cuddling her and playing with her. Time passes so quickly, she’s already five months old and Soon I’ll be driving her to her first day of school without realizing how time went by. I don’t want to miss any moment of her growth.

How about you? do you have a similar story about your baby?

Or have you ever felt guilty about being distracted from a loved one when he needed you? I would love to hear from you, maybe my guilt will grow smaller…

Help! I Think My Brain Is Leaking!!!

I’m totally technology proof! I’m always out of date when it comes to anything having to do with technology. I always catch up late, if ever! And you know all these technological terms that people nowadays use, I don’t understand the majority of it! Talk to me about poetry, and I will love you. About history, and I can go on for hours listing the history of most well-known nations, wars, epidemics… Arts, philosophy, psychology, you name it and I have the needed information. But not technology! That word is so heavy on my ears!

Whenever someone discusses anything related to this subject I feel like the lazy kid who sits in the back of the class, half asleep, with no idea of what the teacher is talking about, praying that she doesn’t ask him any questions!

To make things even worst, my husband is an electron mechanical engineer with a passion for technology! While I surf the net for poetry, literature and philosophy, he surfs it for the latest upgrades, inventions, computer programs! When he manages to download a rare application he’s as happy as a child on a Christmas morning! Some days, he would come home, excited to show me the latest technology he downloaded into his N8( this phone is his spoiled baby boy!) and I start nodding, and saying :” hmm! Wow! “you know like someone who gets it, but in fact I’m not even there! I’d be thinking about my baby’s diaper, or what to have for dinner! And then the deadly questions are asked:

-Do you like it( off course I nod in approval to God knows what!)

-Isn’t it something (I know) ,

-Do you know its a break through in the history of mobile phones ( yes, I know),

-What was I talking about (I don’t know!)

Yesterday I made him a nice dinner, gave him a neck massage, and then after I made sure his tummy is filled and his nerves are relaxed, I asked for a new laptop.

“Sure” he said.”what kind of laptops would you like

I was about to say “the kind that has a screen, a keyboard and can get me online faster than this old thing I have now” but I knew I’ll just sound stupid!

“You’re the expert, which do you recommend”

And all I remember after my question, was hearing all sort of names, types, features which I understand nothing about! I even thought “why did I have to ask! My laptop is just fine! sure its 4 years old, and very slow, but it’s just fine!

What Is wrong with my brain! why can’t I comprehend anything related to this subject! When my husband tells me that my computer has a virus, I feel sad as if its sick and I wish I could make it a warm cup of tea and give it two tablets of Panadol, maybe it will feel better! but then I remember it’s a machine that we’re talking about!

Another embarrassing thing about me, is that I have the memory of a fish!!! ( you know fish’s memory is wiped out every 5 seconds) especially when it comes to the names of pharmaceutical drugs! before our monthly visit to my daughter’s doctor I memorize the names of the drugs I’m giving her just like a student getting ready to take a difficult exam! But once that red hair man asks me: what did you give her for her ear’s infection, or for her tummy pain I black out ! “ehhhhhhh, ehhhhhhhhhh, ehhhh I squeeze my brain, but I can’t remember! I give my husband that desperate look that says : Help! and my hero runs to the rescue. Thanks God he has a good memory!

I’m starting to think I have a brain leak !

The positive side of this matter is that I don’t remember fighting with people! I would have had a dreadful fight with someone and two days later I greet them and talk to them as if nothing has  happened. At first people used to be surprised, but now they know me well, and it’s something they like about me (especially my mother in law!)

Baby Blues Attack!

I’ve been having the feeling that something is just not right about my life lately!

Two days ago, after I finished my shower, I was drying my hair in front of the mirror, when I saw a pair of scissors on the shelf next to me and the craziest idea popped into my mind! I grabbed the scissors and started chopping my long, beautiful, just recently highlighted hair!

After I was done, reality punched its cruel fist at me! What have I done! I knew I was going through one of my famous blackout moments! Cutting my hair was my way of dealing with blues, the hardest types of blues, since I was 17 years old! Every two or 3 years, I get this insane feeling, the need, the urge, to cut my lovely hair! and I start growing it all over again!

I had to sit down for a while, sipping a cup of dark coffee and writing down a list of my life’s recent highlights, some sort of reality check!

1- My marriage: a very happy marriage, so this is not the reason.

2-My home: one of those dream houses, again not the reason.

3- Our family: all are very supportive, and caring.No not it.

4-My health: very well, thanks God!

5- My dreams: most of them came true, the others are on their way!

6-My daughter: An angel! I can’t imagine someone who loves her baby more than me! But since she was born, I haven’t been able to get anything accomplished! It seems as if my life is rotating around this tiny creature! I haven’t had any “ME” time, and If I go out with my husband and leave her with someone, I feel heart-broken as if I have done a terrible act of selfishness and I’m not worthy of being a mother! When she cries and I don’t succeed in comforting her “which happens sometimes”  My tears start dropping like the Niagara Falls!

So that’s it! It’s the Evil effect of that horrible baby blues ! And one would think that after 3 months of delivery this won’t happen! After I gave birth to Anna, I was glad not to have the pleasure of getting face to face with the famous baby blues that everyone talks about! but, here it is! a delayed unhappy surprise! And my poor hair paid the price! Why new moms get the baby blues any way?  Google once again offered me the answer: “Having a baby is stressful—no matter how much you’ve looked forward to it or how much you love your child. Considering the sleep deprivation, new responsibilities, and lack of time for yourself, it’s no surprise that a lot of new moms feel like they’re on an emotional roller coaster. ” (http://helpguide.org/)

It’s funny how good it felt after I cut my hair!  Yes its true I made a mess and I needed to get myself to the nearest hairstylist  to clean it up!  ” Once you know that I’m a Gemini you’ll not encounter this behavior as weird”. I know it’s just a phase that will fade away, because I’m a healthy young woman with a supportive husband and a loving family, and because I thank God everyday for the blessing of being a mother and having a wonderful baby girl like Anna. Babies grow up in a blink! I remember I used to hear my grandma tell my mom”Be patient, one day you’ll close your eyes and when you open them you’ll notice they have grown! ” My grandma had Ten children, My mom had four, and I’m struggling with this little angle! God bless the previous generations, we are a generation of spoiled mothers I tell you! We women know that, but we keep it a secret from our men! shhhh…

I was caught by surprise when my husband suddenly opened the front door! “Someone give me a hat!!!!! ” I thought to myself! He stood in the entrance staring on what used to be an amazing long hair, and which looks now like a piece of agricultural land which has been harvest in the driest day of the season!

Later that night, I was sipping wine and eating chestnuts by our fire-place with the great man I married, enjoying my new, improved hair cut “After my stylist saved my life off course! Thank you Makram!”

Letters To An Embryo

Dear Embryo,

This is my first letter to you; and I don’t know where to start. I guess I will start by introducing myself: I’m twenty four years old, just graduated from college and I’ve been happily married for two months now. But for as long as I could remember, I wanted to be a mother! My husband is thirty-four years old and he’s a wonderful man, very loving and caring. And he wants to be a parent more than anything else, so you see my dear we share the same dream.

You’re probably wondering why am I telling you all of this, and why does it concern you. Believe me embryo it concerns you a lot, because I’m your mother! And for the next nine months I will be your home, your shelter, and your nourishment! And the man I just wrote about is going to be your father, your provider and protector!
Now that you know who I am, there’s something I need you to be sure of “We love you”.

You can not imagine how happy I was to find out about you! I wasn’t feeling quite alright this past week, I felt tired all the time and I wasn’t sure why. Yesterday, we were at Saint Charles’ Church. And while I was praying, your father came to my side and whispered “If you really want a baby, then pray to the lord to bless you with one” and that’s what I did! I knelt on my knees, and prayed with all my heart and soul. And God answered my prayers!

On the way home we brought a couple of pregnancy tests from a near by drug store, I took the first test yesterday and no result was displayed. I was somehow disappointed, especially that your dad was waiting outside the bathroom door eager to know the result. He hugged me, kissed me on the cheeks and told me that we’ll take another test in the morning. But I was too excited to wait! I sneaked out of bed at Four A.M and took the test again! Three minutes later I was jumping on the bed and singing just like a child, your dad woke up to join me. So as you now can tell, I knew that you exist few hours ago and till now I can’t stop smiling and crying at the same time.

My dearest, I don’t know whether you’re a boy or girl but I promise to love you and protect you no matter what. And until I know your sex I’m going to call you “Embryo”.
I will write to you again when I make my first visit to the doctor, and I will inform you of the updates.

Until then, stay healthy.
With all my love

Your Mom

On 04 Feb 2011

Pictures displayed on this blog are taken from Google, and  or from different sites. The writer of this blog, doesn’t claim any copyrights of the above pictures.